Perfection

I don’t know what he wants from me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. Occasionally the word “forever” slips but I know he doesn’t mean it. He freaked out when I looked at a wedding dress. All my friends seem to be getting engaged and he doesn’t even bring it up. He claims that his bedroom is ours. But I know its not. He says he wants my stuff there but I know its a lie. I made a joke about moving in and he flipped out. I’m distancing myself from him because I know it won’t last. It will never last. Maybe its me that doesn’t want it to last. Sometimes I just want to give up so I can go back to who I was before him. I want to have straight As, ambition and goals. I hate how crazy he makes me. I get jealous over everything. We always do whatever he wants. Its a fight to get him to do something with me. He doesn’t want to be with me. He doesn’t consider how I feel or about what I want to do. It’s always him. Always. Its always about pleasing him and his needs. He doesn’t even want to touch me. I have to beg him every time to have sex with me. And when we do it’s always on his terms. And it’s always the way he wants it. I feel like he’s not sexually attracted to me. Sometimes I wish that he would just rip my clothes off and take me right there. But he doesn’t. He always has to make me beg. I feel so unwanted. So unloved sometimes. I don’t know if its him or if its actually just me. 

We made it one year. Barely. For the last couple of months I’ve felt like he doesn’t want to be with me. Sometimes I feel like shit because of the way he treats me. I gave him a ring, he lost it. I made him a bracelet, he broke it. We had our one year. He said, let’s celebrate it on the weekend cause he had a long day that night. We had sex that night and after he finished he rolled over and told me to go to the bathroom. When the weekend came, we didn’t do anything. Didn’t go out to dinner. Didn’t plan anything special. I feel like I really don’t matter to him. He just buys me things and thinks that makes everything ok. I just want to feel like he wants to be there. 

I love him. I know I do. And yet I feel myself distancing myself from him. I think that it’s ana that’s doing this to me. I feel worthless and fat and ugly. It doesn’t help that he said i had a “jew nose” or that he occasionally he says something that makes me feel horrible about myself. I feel so distant from him and I don’t want to be. We slept in the same bed last night but It could’ve been separate worlds for all I know. I saw his facebook page yesterday and noticed that he added a girl. She’s pretty, and thinner then me. He works with her and I saw her flirting with him. I think he added her. He probably did. He told me he didn’t but he’s a boy. So it’s in his nature. He was an ass hole to me for a while. Then out of nowhere he started being incredibly nice. I don’t know what that was about. I’m too depressed to go class today. It’s freezing out and I’m tired.  

We’re so happy. We never seriously fight but I feel like we’re reaching that point where we start to push the other away. I feel like it’s all my fault. I always accuse him of all this stuff because of my jealousy. I love him and I keep hurting him. I hurt his feelings every time I say something about him being with another girl or flirting. Today I texted him and I was in a hurry. I needed my card and he didn’t text back right away. I got upset because I always text him back right away. He had it so I went over to grab it. He could tell I was upset. I didn’t hid it. He tried being cute and I started yelling at him. After I realized what I did I tried to hug him and he shrugged me away. Feeling rejected I took off up the stairs. He chased after. We hugged and I left. That was it. He usually text messages me after work. Got off a half hour ago. Nothing. I hope we’re not reaching the begging of the end. I’m not going to text him. I have an exam and so does he. Guess I’ll take a nap and sleep it off. I’ll see if he text messages me after his exam. In the meantime I will try and Fast. <3

I don’t know why I am so insecure all the time now. I wish it was the begging of my freshman year at WSU. When I first got here, I was so confident, I met so many people, got invited to parties every weekend and I was able to make a name for myself. Ever since I started dating my boyfriend I just feel like such a god damn fat fucking cow. He makes me feel so insecure about myself. I feel like no matter what I do, he’ll always find a way to criticize me or make me feel horrible about myself. He tries to tell me that I’m beautiful then he’ll go around and say I have a “jew nose” or I look ugly. What the fuck is his problem. There are so many guys out there that have wanted to date me. Why the fuck did I give this asshole a chance? I hate that I love him. I hate that he makes me feel horrible about myself. Sometimes I want to fucking give up on everything. On this bull shit of a relationship. He doesn’t make me feel special or beautiful. Isn’t that what a boyfriend is supposed to do? I don’t know how long we’re going to last, but I know it won’t be for long.  

I love my boyfriend so much. But I feel like it’s time for us to separate. We’re not even at a year and I feel like all I do is bother him. We hangout every single day and yet i feel like there’s this distance. He says he loves me too and then he ditches me. I do whatever I can to make him happy. I give him back messages, buy him things and I’m starting to feel like he’s taking advantage of me. I feel like all he ever does is tare down my confidence and then he tries to make up for it. I need to be alone. I wish I could just rely on myself and do what I need to do to become successful. I don’t want a boyfriend to hold me back from what I know I can accomplish. From what other people tell me that I can accomplish. Just wish I had the courage to tell him it’s over. 

<3</3

Suicide? I’m too happy of a person to do it. Or at least that’s what everyone else thinks. I try to act like I have everything together. But I feel like I’m ripping my hair out trying to stay sane. I feel like I’m putting all this effort into everything and I’m not getting any results. I just wanted to spend time with my little sister last night and my mother completely freaked out. She treats me like a freaking child. She says for me not to expect any help from her and yet she expects me to help her with everything. She borrowed 250 this week. I know she’s not going to pay it all back this weekend. She has to pay the mortgage and everything. She doesn’t understand that I have my own things to stress out about. And my own bf can’t spare a minute to say hi or that he loves me. I’m unhappy. And nothings helping. 

Every time. I hate being here. I hate being around my mother. No matter what I do, I’m still not good enough. I’m nineteen and she still treats me like I’m a child. 

And my bf. I feel like he doesn’t even want to talk to me half of the time. And no matter how hard I try to start a conversation it’s like he’s distracted with other things. Half of the time I want to call it quits now. I’m not used to being in a relationship and the fact that he made me feel like he didn’t want to be with me in the long run makes me want to end it already. I love him. I do, but I feel like why should I put in any effort if it’s not even going to last. 

I just want to be a size Zero, with Zero feelings, Zero worries and Zero things to deal with. 

The last time I weighed myself was about a week ago. I weighed 110. I weighed myself again yesterday. The number was 114. I have no idea where the four pounds came from. I will make it my goal to loose all this weight. I belong in the double digits. <3

realityofhealthy:

Recipe for success:

• Sleep at least 6+ hours a night
• Drink enough water each day
• Exercise 4-6 days a week (with at least one day/week for strength training!)
• Stay determined! Don’t let the scale get you down!
• Feed yourself the right foods!
• Don’t stress! Enjoy each day.

Follow these rules and you’ll get there in no time :)